Exhausted and agony are not strong enough words for how I feel today. I think the climb really took its toll on my body and even with the additional pain I am enduring I would not have changed my decision yesterday to climb as high as the second yard. I got higher than I ever did before and I am so proud of my achievement. The pain and fatigue will never take that achievement away from me because I did it. I could not have done it though without the permanent crew of Nellie and all the voyage crew that hung onto the rope to take my weight. It would have been different if I was sat here in pain and to not have done the climb then I would have regrets about not pushing through, however I did do what I set out to achieve so how can I possibly have regrets. I just need to find a way to get through today as my energy levels are running very low and I am determined not to miss any of the action today. Continue reading →
Slept pretty well overnight which I didn’t think I would with the ship being so still. Breakfast was served up on deck, which was nice especially as the scenery is so beautiful. Everyone is in good spirits despite the late night last night and hangovers this morning. First order of the day was to gather on the dock for the crew photographs. My first step, or should I say wheel, on foreign ground since I had my accident seven years ago! Several of the crew had to be woken up this morning so they arrived on the dock a little shell shocked. By the time we all got off the ship our old voyage friend was back – it was raining quite heavily. We had a whole crew photo first then split off for individual watch photos. I had our watch leader B strewn across my lap with H and S holding either her legs or upper body. It made for a good photo which was a bit more fun than just a row of people. The photo summed our voyage up nicely I think – a bit of rain, some laughs along the way and a great team spirit. By the way if you are reading this and was on this voyage and have a copy of the crew photos please get in touch as I would love to have a copy.
Well the inevitable happened at 11:45 pm last night – the engines were fired up! It is sad that we have had to retire from the race when we were so close to finishing but the wind has been against us. It was noisy when the engines were first fired up and there is a definite mechanical vibration through the ship in comparison to the feeling of being just under sail. Having the engines on makes the ship have a hurried feeling, like we are rushing to get somewhere rather than going where the wind blows. The vibration of the engines was enough to flare the pain in my foot so it took ages to get back to sleep. Continue reading →
I should have been on watch between 4 am and 8 am but due to sky high pain hubby thought it wise for me to remain in bed, take more painkillers and rest when he got up at 3:30 am. He didn’t even wake me at 6 am as agreed. I was a little miffed about this but I understand why he did it. He knows that I am on the verge of burn out and my spoons are going overboard to become treasures of the sea. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, I get taken over by sheer determination that I fail to listen to what my body is telling me. I didn’t sleep very well last night, the first night on board that I never slept. I only got about four hours sleep and that was between 4 am and 8 am – ironically the hours that I should have been on my watch so maybe hubby was right to leave me where I was at 6 am. I even slept through the 7:30 am wake up call! Continue reading →
Began watch at 12 midnight to an abundance of Christmas trees on the horizon. Why has Christmas featured so much during this voyage I do not know! We even had Once in Royal David’s City sang during watch tonight as H could not think of anything else to sing.
Anyway back to those Christmas trees on the horizon. They were not Christmas trees, they were fishing vessels, oil rigs, drilling platforms, Floatels and guard ships. We were right in the middle of an exclusion zone for the rigs! We should not have been in these waters. Thankfully though due to no one working in the water around the rigs tonight we had been given permission to pass through the exclusion zone. We had planned to pass with the rigs to our port side but a wind shift put us on course to pass right between a fully built rig and a partially built rig. A manoeuvre which was forbidden. We only had permission to pass with at least a mile between us and these two rigs and to go between them would have put us within this smaller exclusion zone. Due to this we had to take a detour, to change tack and pass the rigs to starboard side. Continue reading →
Here I am sitting waiting for hubby listening to the fizzle pop of rain falling on the car. Listening to to the tunes of U105 feeling melancholy and thinking of life. A life that seems to be running away so fast. Speeding along as if rushing to an important date or an exciting event. I don’t see death being either of those. So why does life flit by in the blink of an eye. How did we get to the middle of April without our feet barely touching the ground. Oh to be young again when time seemed to last forever. Where summer holidays lasted what seemed like years. Where school days lingered long. We all rush to grow up. To be an adult. To live life as we please. Only to find that adulthood is a ball and chain round your ankle. Where life is still not yours to do with what you want unless if course you were born into money. No! Adult life is far from the imaginings of a child. Life gradually speeds up in your twenties, hastens by in your thirties, and disappears in the blink of an eye in your forties, and I hate to think how quick it will go when I am in my fifties, sixties and seventies. I am certainly at the stage of life where I feel scared that it is nearly over. That I don’t have time left to do all that I want. That my stupid body prevents me from fully partaking in my life. That eight years of my life have slipped away with hardly a blink since becoming disabled. I often feel that I am on the outside looking in. Watching others having fun, having energy to go out, visit places I would love to go but are totally inaccessible to me. Places I long to see and experience. I never was one to stay on the beaten track, always being the person who wanted to go the long way, the challenging way, the way most would not generally go. Now I am confined to the beaten track asking constant questions like is it accessible, how much energy will it take, how long will it take to recover, how hard will it be for hubby. I have never been a dependant person, fiercely independent is what I am so I find it difficult asking for help, depending on others to lift and carry, and depending on someone to push me in the wheelchair. The main person who does this is my hubby. That is not what we planned for our married life. Not until we were ancient and nearing the end. This should be our time. Where son has grown up and our lives become our own. Where we can have fun and find ourselves as a couple again. Living in constant pain takes that away to some degree. We can’t be spontaneous everything has to be planned and mainly around one or two days a week, nothing can be planned for an evening on a work night and at least one day a week is given over to recovering from the immense effort involved with getting ready for work, driving too and from work and plastering on that smile for eight or so hours a day to hide the pain and exhaustion. Just so I can have four days a week where I feel normal. Well as normal as you can be with chronic pain. I often think how much harder my life would be without hubby. He is the one that keeps me going not just by helping me physically but mentally too. I am absolutely petrified of anything happening to him. Our life is so finally balanced managing my CRPS and Fibromyalgia it would only take something small for the table to tip and everything to come crashing down around our ears. Life is so so fragile, so unpredictable and so very short and I pray each and every day for equilibrium to be maintained at the very least.