Tag Archive | Grief

Sobbing and realising why – grief for the life I once had

I wanted to share this interesting blog post http://www.crps247.com/grief–identity.html which I found when researching grief and CRPS after feeling extremely overwhelmed about the loss of a life once lived before disability.  

This evening I sat sobbing my heart out into the dogs fur over how I loved jumping in the car and heading to the beach at Brown’s Bay, paddling in the water, and throwing the ball for the dog.  Remembering the day I was in the water well over my backside down at Port Road beach trying to recover the dog’s ball because she wouldn’t!  The laughs and fun times I had with my pooch when I could still live my life like most other people; a life where I could go to work and still have energy to take the dog out even after twelve hours stood on my feet!
Most of the time I can manage the feelings that come from thinking of a life that I should be having, however every once in a while grief takes over and I mourn for the loss of the life I had before CRPS struck.  Tonight was one of those times. 

There are five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and these stages apply to the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, and in my case the loss of the life I once had, and the loss of the life I perceived I would have.  A loss caused by an unfortunate accident that should have healed with no problems.  Who would have guessed a dislocation and fracture would lead to a life with unending pain caused by Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.  

I mainly live in the stage of acceptance, however like most other people that grieve there are times of the year when the other stages of grief come into play such as when I am unable to do something because of my disability then the anger stage comes out until I start resolving the issue in an alternate way then I am in the bargaining stage of “what if I try it this way”.  This doesn’t always work and I end up back at the anger stage or I find peace and go straight to the acceptance stage. Then there are the times of the year that bring about the depression stage.  One particular time of the year for me is September – this is the month in which the anniversary of my accident falls.  It was inevitable that I would eventually end up sobbing at some point during this month and tonight was that night, exactly a week away from the eighth anniversary of the accident that changed my life forever.

It’s okay to cry though.  It is an outlet for all the emotions that build up when you grieve.  It’s a natural process that will ease as time passes, and a process that will also creep up on you unexpectedly causing you to cry into the dog’s fur, like what happened to me this evening.  The point to remember though is that it is just another stage of the perpetual cycle of grief and it will pass.  Tomorrow I may be in denial, or I could end up being angry, or bargaining again, however I do know that I will settle back into the acceptance stage like I do every year and move on with my life, to strive to achieve great things even if they look very minor to other people. 

I accept that it is perfectly normal, and perfectly fine, to pass through these stages and it is perfectly okay to allow them to be a part of my life.