Tag Archive | Flare

Bad Days, Sad Days, Bad & Sad Days

Some days I have bad days where I want to remove my left leg with a chainsaw.

Some days I have sad days where I grieve for the life I once had.

Then some days like today I have bad and sad days all rolled into one.

Sad because 11 years ago today I had to have my ankle reset in plaster and, I honestly believe, that was the start of my CRPS journey, a journey that took away the life I once had. It ripped out the very being of me for a long time. It took time to heal mentally, knowing I’d never properly heal physically. It took time to accept the new disabled me. It took time to find me again, and some days even now, even after years of psychology and counselling, I still feel a part if me is lost. That feeling of sadness becomes more prominent on days like today, big anniversaries, when grief strikes, when I literally become overwhelmed with sadness, and hurt, and anger, the why me!

Bad because my foot is not in a good place with regards to pain. When socks and shoes hurt, when the brush of trousers over an exploding knee is excruciating yet I still put on that “face”, drag my backside out of bed, and turn up smiling. I often wonder how I do it over and over again especially on bad days like today. How do I do it! Is it some kind of internal resolve that life has to go on? Is it me being strong? I don’t feel strong. Is it just simply that many years ago when going through therapy to help me understand my condition, the effects it has on my life, and a process of acceptance, I made a pact with myself that I would never give up, I would never let CRPS beat me, and I would never go back to that deep and dark abyss that swallowed me up for years before therapy. Or is it just a mixture of all three and more. My physical and emotional pain are as excruciatingly painful as each other, and both can seriously conspire together to make a sad or bad day turn into the double whammy of a sad and bad day.

Sad and bad because there are days like today that are more challenging than normal, a simple task becomes a whole drama. Emotions run high caused by pain and fatigue. My mouth runs faster than I can think and everything I’ve been bottling up just pours out with no filters, and boy does it pour out. All those internal frustrations of surviving in an inaccessible world have to come out. It only takes one simple thing for the touch paper to be lit and once it is then all hell breaks loose and I spew words and feelings out that I would normally keep segmented away. Days like this I wonder what I did wrong to deserve all this pain and additional challenge. Physical disability doesn’t just affect the physical body, it affects the soul of that body too. It is draining physically and mentally, and sometimes there’s just no more room within the body or soul to cope with the challenges a disabled person faces daily. There’s no more room to be patient with others who don’t see, or can’t see, those challenges; who don’t understand or are not willing to understand the challenges. No more room to meekly smile and just suck it up buttercup and get on with cards that have been dealt. No more room to let things shrug off like water off a duck’s back. Days like today can very quickly escalate to a sad bad day like today did.

I may not have all the answers to my questions, however I do have all the tools in my toolkit to help me overcome days like today. Tools provided from years of therapy. Writing about my feelings is one of those tools in that toolkit, I don’t write for sympathy, I write to get things off my chest, to put the self destruct thoughts to bed, to allow myself to be patient and kind with myself. Another would be my mantras, one being that before I sleep I reflect on the day I’ve had and say to myself that tomorrow is a brand new day.

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MY TALL SHIPS RACE JOURNAL DAY 11 – (14/07/2015) – Engines on, pearlescent seas and arrival in beautiful Norway

Aloft

Well the inevitable happened at 11:45 pm last night – the engines were fired up!  It is sad that we have had to retire from the race when we were so close to finishing but the wind has been against us.  It was noisy when the engines were first fired up and there is a definite mechanical vibration through the ship in comparison to the feeling of being just under sail.  Having the engines on makes the ship have a hurried feeling, like we are rushing to get somewhere rather than going where the wind blows.  The vibration of the engines was enough to flare the pain in my foot so it took ages to get back to sleep. Continue reading

MY TALL SHIPS RACE JOURNAL DAY 10 – (13/07/2015) – High pain, missed opportunities and reflections on modern day life.

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I should have been on watch between 4 am and 8 am but due to sky high pain hubby thought it wise for me to remain in bed, take more painkillers and rest when he got up at 3:30 am.  He didn’t even wake me at 6 am as agreed.  I was a little miffed about this but I understand why he did it.  He knows that I am on the verge of burn out and my spoons are going overboard to become treasures of the sea.  He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, I get taken over by sheer determination that I fail to listen to what my body is telling me.  I didn’t sleep very well last night, the first night on board that I never slept.  I only got about four hours sleep and that was between 4 am and 8 am – ironically the hours that I should have been on my watch so maybe hubby was right to leave me where I was at 6 am.  I even slept through the 7:30 am wake up call! 
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MY TALL SHIPS RACE JOURNAL DAY 9 – (12/07/2015) – Oil rig aliens, a few tears and a lap full of bras!

Christmas-Trees-on-the-horizon

Oil rigs on the horizon as we come on watch

Began watch at 12 midnight to an abundance of Christmas trees on the horizon.  Why has Christmas featured so much during this voyage I do not know!  We even had Once in Royal David’s City sang during watch tonight as H could not think of anything else to sing.

Anyway back to those Christmas trees on the horizon.  They were not Christmas trees, they were fishing vessels, oil rigs, drilling platforms, Floatels and guard ships.  We were right in the middle of an exclusion zone for the rigs!  We should not have been in these waters.  Thankfully though due to no one working in the water around the rigs tonight we had been given permission to pass through the exclusion zone.  We had planned to pass with the rigs to our port side but a wind shift put us on course to pass right between a fully built rig and a partially built rig. A manoeuvre which was forbidden.  We only had permission to pass with at least a mile between us and these two rigs and to go between them would have put us within this smaller exclusion zone.  Due to this we had to take a detour, to change tack and pass the rigs to starboard side.
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MY TALL SHIPS RACE JOURNAL DAY 7 – (10/07/2015) – Blew a sail, rogue wave soaks hubby, and I feel a long way from home!

Window

View from window at breakfast.  The photograph does not do the movement of the ship any justice.  She was very roly!

Up early this morning for breakfast in the upper mess, I am on watch from 8 am to 12:30 pm and hubby is on mess duty.  Even though the sea is rough and the ship is rocking from side to side with waves slamming into her, and I am jammed up against the port bulkhead in the upper mess to stop my wheelchair from sliding any further, it was nice to start the day with a hearty breakfast of freshly caught fish from yesterday’s catch.  A big thank you goes out to the medical purser and pals for their fishing skills! Continue reading

Missing from blogging – a quick update

Hi

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and never got round to publishing it.  I wasn’t quite ready to hit the blogging world with a blog entry at the time, however I thought it important to write a blog post for potential publishing at a later date.  I am glad to say that today is the day that I feel like publishing this particular blog.  Please bear in mind that this was written a couple of weeks ago and I have moved on a little since writing this, an update will be at the end. Continue reading

MY TALL SHIPS RACE JOURNAL DAY 5 – (08/07/2015) – Sunshine, starfish, St Kilda, and falling over!

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Hello readers, only yesterday I said I could no longer write my journal because of sea sickness, yet here I am with Day 5.  A miracle you may ask?  Sea sickness cured over night – I wish!  Just the age of modern technology, I found the voice recorder on my mobile phone, so the journal continues with no breaks. Continue reading